Vol. I · No. 1

America's Most Vigilant Nap-Tracking Authority

Is Trump Asleep?

Breaking
BREAKING: Eyelids reportedly 'heavy, the heaviest, everyone is saying it'★DEVELOPING: White House confirms President is 'resting his eyes, aggressively'★ALERT: Pillow approval rating hits all-time high★EXCLUSIVE: Sources say nap was 'tremendous, possibly historic'★UPDATE: Snooze-O-Meter recalibrated after record-breaking week★FLASH: Teleprompter requests hazard pay★BREAKING: President 'building bridges' between church, state, and pillow★BREAKING: Eyelids reportedly 'heavy, the heaviest, everyone is saying it'★DEVELOPING: White House confirms President is 'resting his eyes, aggressively'★ALERT: Pillow approval rating hits all-time high★EXCLUSIVE: Sources say nap was 'tremendous, possibly historic'★UPDATE: Snooze-O-Meter recalibrated after record-breaking week★FLASH: Teleprompter requests hazard pay★BREAKING: President 'building bridges' between church, state, and pillow★

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is he asleep?

There is only one way to know for certain. Shake the official presidential 8-Ball and let fate — and a suspiciously consistent algorithm — reveal the truth.

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Consulted 0 times this session.

28
Sightings Logged
6
Confirmed Naps
31 minutes
Longest Nap
64/100
Avg. Snooze Score

From The Archive

Latest Documented Sightings

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PROBABLE
File Photo
Oct 22, 2026•Sioux Gateway Airport, Sioux City Midterm Rally

President Stumps for Iowa Republicans, Then Stumps Himself Into a Standing Nap

Headlining a get-out-the-vote rally for Iowa Republicans ahead of next week's midterms, the President ceded the microphone to National Border Patrol Council President Paul Perez — and promptly ceded consciousness as well. Cameras caught him swaying gently from side to side just behind Perez, his eyes sinking shut for several seconds at a stretch and repeating the trick multiple times as the union chief praised the administration's border crackdown without ever turning around to notice. Online reaction was swift, with one viewer counting it as the third time they'd caught him nodding off on his feet. He found his footing again in time to rally the crowd toward the exits, proving that even a standing ovation can't out-stand a standing nap.

Snooze-O-Meter58/100
Duration: Several seconds at a time, repeated stretchesvia A viral clip, a union president who never looked back, and a comment section counting reps
Read the full report →
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PROBABLE
File Photo
Oct 21, 2026•East Room, White House Cybercrime Roundtable

President Hosts Cybercrime Crackdown Roundtable, Promptly Firewalls Himself From the Proceedings

A day after nodding off through his own fraud whistleblower rollout, the President convened Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Labor Secretary Markwayne Mullin, FBI Director Kash Patel, and Attorney General Todd Blanche in the East Room to tout a cybercrime crackdown — nearly $1 billion in frozen cyber-currency, $1.6 billion in prevented losses — before appearing to firewall himself from the proceedings entirely. As Hegseth detailed the administration's response to foreign cyberattacks, cameras caught the Commander-in-Chief's eyelids sinking shut for stretch after stretch, repeating the trick minutes later as Mullin took his turn at the microphone. It marked the second such on-camera doze in as many days, with one outlet dryly noting he'd 'also fallen asleep yesterday.' The White House did not respond to requests for comment, leaving cybercrime's best-guarded asset on the day a very well-sealed pair of eyelids.

Snooze-O-Meter61/100
Duration: Multiple stretches through two officials' remarksvia Multiple outlets tracking a two-day doze streak
Read the full report →
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PROBABLE
File Photo
Oct 20, 2026•Oval Office, Fraud Whistleblower Incentive Program Announcement

President Unveils $25 Million Fraud Whistleblower Program, Then Commits the Day's Biggest Tip-Worthy Offense Himself

Standing up a new Fraud Whistleblower Incentive Program that promises tipsters a 1% cut — up to $30,000 — for reporting fraud through a hotline run out of fraud.gov, the President handed the floor to Vice President JD Vance, chairman of his Task Force to Eliminate Fraud, to walk through the fine print. The moment he stopped talking, cameras caught the Commander-in-Chief's head dropping and his eyelids fluttering shut, again and again, for the length of Vance's remarks — a lapse that no tip line, it turns out, was equipped to catch. He resurfaced in time to field questions on the program, proving that even a $25 million anti-fraud initiative can't stop the Oval Office's longest-running scheme: staying awake through someone else's talking points.

Snooze-O-Meter62/100
Duration: Repeated stretches through the Vice President's remarksvia Multiple outlets watching the same eyelids, and a tip line that never got a tip about itself
Read the full report →
View all sightings →
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Rigorous Methodology

Each sighting is verified by at least one source who was, allegedly, in the same time zone.

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Round-the-Clock Coverage

Our newsroom never sleeps — a sacrifice we make so we can tell you when someone else does.

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Algorithmic Precision

Our 8-Ball has a 100% accuracy rate, as long as the only acceptable answer is 'probably.'

A quick note from the management: this entire publication is satire. No actual naps were monitored, audited, or harmed in its making. Read the full disclaimer.