America's Most Vigilant Nap-Tracking Authority
Live Nap Watch
There is only one way to know for certain. Shake the official presidential 8-Ball and let fate — and a suspiciously consistent algorithm — reveal the truth.
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From The Archive
What began as a routine courtside wave reportedly transitioned, frame by frame, into a leisurely lean and finally a contented doze — all while 19,000 fans roared through Game 3 of the Finals. Witnesses say he did not stir, not even for the dunk cam. The seat, observers noted, was 'extremely relaxed.'
Eyewitnesses report the Commander-in-Chief delivered a powerful 45-minute address on tariffs, the final 31 minutes of which were conducted entirely with his eyes closed. Aides insist he was 'visualizing the economy.' A nearby microphone captured what analysts are calling 'world-class snoring diplomacy.'
Sources close to the situation (the table) confirm that a 400-page national security briefing was used primarily for head support. The President later described the document as 'very comfortable' and 'the softest intelligence I've ever seen, believe me.'
Each sighting is verified by at least one source who was, allegedly, in the same time zone.
Our newsroom never sleeps — a sacrifice we make so we can tell you when someone else does.
Our 8-Ball has a 100% accuracy rate, as long as the only acceptable answer is 'probably.'
A quick note from the management: this entire publication is satire. No actual naps were monitored, audited, or harmed in its making. Read the full disclaimer.