Vol. I · No. 1

America's Most Vigilant Nap-Tracking Authority

Is Trump Asleep?

Breaking
BREAKING: Eyelids reportedly 'heavy, the heaviest, everyone is saying it'★DEVELOPING: White House confirms President is 'resting his eyes, aggressively'★ALERT: Pillow approval rating hits all-time high★EXCLUSIVE: Sources say nap was 'tremendous, possibly historic'★UPDATE: Snooze-O-Meter recalibrated after record-breaking week★FLASH: Teleprompter requests hazard pay★BREAKING: President 'building bridges' between church, state, and pillow★BREAKING: Eyelids reportedly 'heavy, the heaviest, everyone is saying it'★DEVELOPING: White House confirms President is 'resting his eyes, aggressively'★ALERT: Pillow approval rating hits all-time high★EXCLUSIVE: Sources say nap was 'tremendous, possibly historic'★UPDATE: Snooze-O-Meter recalibrated after record-breaking week★FLASH: Teleprompter requests hazard pay★BREAKING: President 'building bridges' between church, state, and pillow★

Live Nap Watch

Right now,
is he asleep?

There is only one way to know for certain. Shake the official presidential 8-Ball and let fate — and a suspiciously consistent algorithm — reveal the truth.

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Consulted 0 times this session.

13
Sightings Logged
5
Confirmed Naps
31 minutes
Longest Nap
70/100
Avg. Snooze Score

From The Archive

Latest Documented Sightings

President Slashes Childhood Vaccine Schedule, Then Slashes His Own Waking Hours
CONFIRMED
File Photo
Aug 10, 2026•Oval Office, Vaccine Executive Order Signing

President Slashes Childhood Vaccine Schedule, Then Slashes His Own Waking Hours

Moments after signing an executive order to overhaul the childhood vaccine schedule, the President appeared to trial a new schedule of his own: naptime. As Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and NIH Director Jay Bhattacharya elaborated on the fine print behind him, the Commander-in-Chief's eyes drifted shut and his head tipped to one side, holding for several long beats before he caught himself and sat back up. The clip raced across social media, racking up millions of views and reviving the 'Sleepy Don' nickname his own camp once reserved for an opponent. Allies maintained he was simply 'blinking' — a blink, evidently, that outlasted several sentences of vaccine policy.

Snooze-O-Meter82/100
Duration: Several long stretchesvia A viral clip north of two million views
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Roundtable Convened to Secure Critical Minerals, Uncovers Critical Napping Instead
PROBABLE
File Photo
Aug 7, 2026•Roundtable on American Mining, U.S. State Department

Roundtable Convened to Secure Critical Minerals, Uncovers Critical Napping Instead

Gathered to shore up America's supply of critical minerals, the President appeared to tap into a different resource entirely: rest. As Secretary of State Marco Rubio addressed a room full of mining executives, cameras caught the Commander-in-Chief with eyes shut and hands folded serenely in his lap, a posture aides later called 'active listening.' One widely shared post sighed that 'orange grandpa is tired' and suggested someone cue up a lullaby. He surfaced in time to help unveil $180 million in new mining grants, proving that no deposit in America is tapped faster than a fresh burst of executive energy.

Snooze-O-Meter62/100
Duration: A few quiet minutesvia A mining executive counting seconds instead of tonnage
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Historic First Televised Camp David Cabinet Meeting Also Makes History as First Televised Camp David Nap
PROBABLE
File Photo
Jul 31, 2026•Cabinet Meeting, Camp David

Historic First Televised Camp David Cabinet Meeting Also Makes History as First Televised Camp David Nap

In a meeting billed by the White House as a 'historic' first — the earliest live, televised Cabinet meeting ever held at the presidential retreat — the President made a bit of history of his own, eyes drooping and occasionally shutting entirely as the two-hour session wore on. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent touted the economy from across the table; Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth sat close enough to nudge him back to consciousness. Asked about it later, the President explained that cameras simply keep catching him mid-blink. Several long, camera-friendly blinks, several times, for two-plus hours.

Snooze-O-Meter74/100
Duration: Several long stretches over ~2 hoursvia A live C-SPAN feed nobody asked for
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Rigorous Methodology

Each sighting is verified by at least one source who was, allegedly, in the same time zone.

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Round-the-Clock Coverage

Our newsroom never sleeps — a sacrifice we make so we can tell you when someone else does.

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Algorithmic Precision

Our 8-Ball has a 100% accuracy rate, as long as the only acceptable answer is 'probably.'

A quick note from the management: this entire publication is satire. No actual naps were monitored, audited, or harmed in its making. Read the full disclaimer.